Category: Dog’s Blog

My mate Toby came to take me a walk the other day as usual.  We’ve found this fab place with loads of water for me to play in.  Off we went and in I went!  The next thing I knew Mum was on the phone and Toby was out of breath because he could hear me barking and couldn’t find me.  Utter panic!  Mum appeared with a torch and poor old Toby was distressed.  I was happy as larry jumping up and down and trying to move the water, it always comes back!  To say Mum was annoyed is an understatement.  Her voice went all high and she kept saying ‘Humph you are a naughty dog’.  Blimey, I know it was dark but they keep giving me them orange things so my eyesight is brilliant, what’s all the fuss?

You must come in!  We’ve got loads of new beers for Christmas.  Well, the beer badges have got funny pictures on them.  The tree is up!  All them lovely balls to play with again.  Just popped my nose in the tree last night to hear ‘Humph, leave it’  she spoils everything.

I’ve had loads of visitors. First there was Noodle & Pixie the Cocker Spaniels, pretty to say the least.  Benson the Bull Dog popped in.  Oh blimey, Mum was cooing, I thought she loved black labs but now I’m not sure, especially since my bad behaviour!  Oh, and Theo came in.  He’s the black lab that came in a year ago.  Same name as our waiter but they look a bit different, ours has only got two legs, very confusing!

We’ve got a new Chef, well we’ve got two.  But do you know, they all know to give me the orange things.  Isn’t that great, I haven’t had to tell them.  I just sit at the door, stare at them and drool, I’m very good at that, and hey an orange treat comes my way!

The Chef’s are cooking some lovely food for Christmas, well it looks good, you will have to be the judge of that!!

Well, this computer keeps going funny.  Mum says ‘don’t worry Humph, we’re getting fibre optic’  I don’t know what it is but I hope I can eat it!

I’ll catch you soon, promise

 Humph X

Something has gone wrong with the round thing on the wall with numbers on it.  I know, that every day, Toby comes to take me a walk after school.  So, off I went to the back door on Monday and stood looking down the drive as usual.  I stood and stood but he didn’t arrive.  Eventually Mum found me and said ‘hey Humph, what are you staring at?’  Then she said ‘Oh Humph the clock has changed’.  What does that mean?  My body tells me when I get fed, what time the pub opens, when the long orange things arrive AND when I go for a walk.  Its played havoc with me.  Why do you humans need a round thing on the wall to tell you all that?  You make things so complicated.

Naomi has been busy writing on the blackboard in the bar.  She read it out to me and its all about Christmas and New Years Eve.  Talking of which, no one has invited me to a party yet so I’m starting to think about my favourite TV character so I can sneak into the party here.  I’m practising walking on two legs so you will never recognise me!  Tideswell Singers are coming in singing Christmas Carol’s, Litton Band are having a party here and playing afterwards and Cressbrook Band are coming along too.  Helen runs Cressbrook Band.  She (and others) come in every week after practise for a pint of our lovely beer.  I love Helen, she brings me treats so I sit staring at her all night.  I think she loves me too because she lets me follow her to the loo and outside for a smoke (that’s Helen, not me!)

Stoke.  I heard someone today say that they were from Stoke and read my blog all the time.  How nice is that!  I hope they remembered to put a pin in our map.  I here Guy say ‘I will just stoke the fire’ How strange!

Anyway, my brain has now told my body to adjust and I recon its about Toby time so I’m off to put my outdoor gear on.  Its going dark, does that mean tea will be soon??

Catch you soon

Humph x

I’ve had a message from South Africa!  Helen, the lovely lady who came just to see me, has got her ‘black lab’ Merlot (I hear the staff offer that to the customers, hope they’re not selling her dog) to send me a message.  He’s got 2 sisters, the funny coloured ones.  They sound real characters, I would have loved to have met them.

Then there’s Barry the Wheaten Terrier.  I like Barry now.  He’s sent me a lovely message.  After much persuasion Mum has agreed to put a ‘Dog’s Dinner Menu’ on and I know Barry will be pleased to see it on his next visit.  He said his Dad loved our real ales and his Mum enjoyed Chef’s lovely food so I think Barry will definitely will be returning – great!

Elmo is on holiday.  He popped in last night.  He’s a smashing ‘black lab’ and works with his Mum.  I realise now that ‘black lab’s’ are everywhere.  isn’t that brilliant?  Elmo does look a bit like me so I had to check where he was from because I thought my Dad had been out and about again.  Dad doesn’t seem to realise its expensive rearing children and just leaves the Mum’s to give them away.  My Auntie (human one) gave Mum a mug.  It says ‘dogs are better that humans because you can sell their babies!’  Charming, well let me tell you this ‘black lab’ is not for sale!  Anyway, I hope Elmo pops in again, we had great fun playing.

‘Christmas won’t be long Humph’ Mum keeps saying.  I asked if that meant loads of paper for me to rip up and she said ‘no Humph, it means we will be doing the Christmas Menu and having people coming in to party’.  New Years Eve we are having a fancy dress party, ‘your favourite TV personality’ with live music and a complimentary supper served late.  Tickets are £5 all for Alzheimer’s Research.  My Grandma (human one) died of this so Mum wants to do a whole year of charity fund raising in memory of her.  Mum says Grandma was not a ‘doggy person’ but when she became ill she loved them, how strange.  I never met Grandma but know my brother, Rupert, chewed her new shoes, brill!  Anyway, New Years Eve I’m packing my hanky on my stick and moving out for a few hours so if anyone wants to doggy party me let me know!  I’ll bring some doggy games and nibbles but all those humans will just be too much!

Off for a snooze now, I’ve had the biggest dish of food and all this brain work makes me tired.

Catch up soon

 Humph x

What a week!  I think we’ve had more dog breeds in here this week than Crufts!  That’s where Mum went and brought back that ‘do not feed collar’!

First there’s Guy.  Guy works behind the bar.  Mum calls him ‘something’ something’ Guy.  She said I can’t type it here because its for humans only, why do humans have to be so different?  Anyway Guy (and Sue his wife) have got two lovely ‘labs’.  They’re a funny colour but Mum said ‘just because you’re a ‘black lab’ Humph, it doesn’t mean they all are’.  Sika is a baby.  She seems to ignore me but stares at Mum when the dog treat box is around.  She’s got an older sister, Brie.  Mum loves Brie, she’s getting on a bit, that’s Brie not Mum.  I think she reminds Mum of Rupert her last ‘black lab’.  Talking of Rupert, Mum says she thinks I have some of Rupert’s spirit in me.  The only spirit I know is those behind the bar and I never get a look in at those!

Holly, a black lab, has been on holiday for the week and popped in most nights.  I think she took a shine to me, and wasn’t bad looking herself if I may say so.  Someone phoned to come for lunch and said they were bringing a visitor from South Africa who wanted to meet me.  (I really lifted my shoulders and combed my head), anyway she came in, I think I heard her name was Helen but I might be wrong.  She’s got not one, but three ‘labs’, only one black one but I forgive her.  Nice photo of them on a beach…………………if only.

Mum invited Helen? to stick a pin on a blue thing on the wall.  Naomi said ‘they are maps Humph’.  We’ve got 2.  One of the world and one of the UK.  When customers come in they are invited to put a pin in where they have come from.  I go past these everyday when I nip out to the garden and let me tell you there are pins all over the place.   People, and their dogs, come from all over the world to our lovely country pub, how good is that?

Before I go and have 5 minutes with Max, he’s a person not a dog, Max used to be the landlord here many years ago, I suppose I must mention Barry!   Barry is a Wheaten Terrier.  He came in with his Mum and Dad.  Oh my, Mum was ‘oh he’s so cute, oh he’s lovely, come and look Humph’.   He was ok!  Not bad looking if you like that kind of thing.  For me its ‘black lab’ first, oh apart from Albert.

Off to compare notes with Max now.  See you soon……..come and try Chef’s specials, the lamb smells amazing!

Humph

Mum got the square black thing out so I thought ‘blimey she really doesn’t want me to leave’ so I jumped up beside her and here we go.

I smell beautiful.  Toby ( he’s my new best mate and takes me a walk every afternoon), took me down the dale today.  I love it, there’s loads of rabbits.  In fact, a few weeks ago I ate one!  Toby was really worried, Mum was distraught.   She phoned the vet and she said ‘don’t worry, keep an eye on him and if he starts sweating bring him in’  WHAT was all the fuss about?  I had a lovely full tummy AND how can you tell if a ‘black lab’ is sweating?  Anyway, back to today.  I saw my favourite perfume there in the grass and hey, I had a lovely roll in it – eau de Humph.

We’ve got a new beer, Butcombe’s 42.  Naomi, our beer expert, says it the answer to life, the universe and everything.  I’m not really bothered, its black.  In my eyes anything black belongs to me.  I keep sitting in front of the bar gazing at the pump clip (even my mate Martin has been allowed to drink it), but Mum says ‘Humph, in your dreams’.  There’s no room in my dreams!  They’re full of my food, chef’s treats (the long orange things), the lovely ‘black lab’ that popped in earlier, water in any form and oh ….. rabbits.

I’m nodding off ….zzzzzzz

See you soon

Humph

I’ve got so much to tell you I don’t know where to start.  Firstly, thank you to all those customers who keep coming in and asking about my blog.  I’ve told Mum if she doesn’t let me do it I am moving out to live with someone else, and I will take my comfy bed, ball, bag of toys, bone, 5kg of carrots (my weekly intake), big bag of food, pigs ears, sardines ………. blimey I didn’t realise just how lucky I am.  Oh and I will be leaving my ‘do not feed’ collar behind!  I know what it says, I have simply worked it out.  Martin (my mate who sometimes takes me a walk) said it read ‘donuts’ he was fibbing.

Anyway, I hope you are all well?  I’m grand.  I am now 2 years and 7 months old.  I weigh 34 kilos.  Mum makes me stand on this square thing at the vets and they all say ‘oh that’s lovely’ It’s only a square box with numbers on it!

I think I have told you about my brother and step brother coming in.  Well, guess what?  I have got another step brother who lives in Glossop.  His name is Jarvis (he can’t sing) and he looks like me.  It seems my Dad has been very busy.  So if I have any more siblings out there, come and see me and we can have a group photo…I’m not sure we will all fit in the pub tho’

I’ve been to Scotland.  I was in heaven.  There is so much water, everywhere.  I swam in the sea, in the lochs, in the puddles and oh the lovely muddy holes in the moors.  I could hear Mum saying, ‘oh no, not again Humph’.  I made a lovely friend ‘Blackie’ on one of the beaches.  He sent me a message last week, how nice.  I wasn’t sure about these things that kept lapping up over my head, but then I thought, no prob, just jump over them – easy.  And, I must just mention, I CAN swim.  I kept it a secret from Mum for a while, a man has to have some secrets.  I just put my head down and away I go.  I thought I saw some of my brothers in the sea but Mum said ‘No Humph they are seals’  I’m sure my Dad has been to Scotland because they looked just like me.

So friends, this is my news for now.  But keep checking because when Mum sees my knotted hankie on the end of a stick she’ll know I mean business

Yours Humph x

Just to let you know that I will be doing my blog very shortly and intend to do a Sunday update every week. I’ve lost my voice from asking Mum to sort it. She has just let me pop on but its my bedtime and I need to dream of rabbits….I caught one last week but that’s another story. Speak soon. Yours (much older) Humphrey

Ruby came in tonight with Jack and Chris and their friends Mike and Viv.  She’s a beaut!  A lovely springer spaniel just 7 months old.  Just the right age for me because I’m nearly 2 you know.  We were both a bit shy to begin with then it all kicked off.  We rolled around the floor and played for ages.  As usual Mum kept saying ‘Humphrey come’, but I kept nipping back in.  I do hope Ruby comes and sees me again soon, she’s possibly my favourite apart from my mate Albert of course.  I suppose he will be getting a new coat for Christmas, lucky Bert.  Well, the green tree has appeared again with those lovely balls that I tried to pinch last year.  I can’t believe a year has passed.  There is balls hung all around the pub and lights everywhere.  There is no chance of getting lost when I go for my nightly walk, the outside of the pub is ‘tasteful’ well that is what the humans keep saying to Mum.  Tasteful is what my orange things are in a morning – so confusing!   Chef says the Christmas Menu is ready now and there has been some lovely smells coming from the kitchen.  I’ve seen a box that says ‘crackers’ on it, maybe I’m getting a new mate for Christmas called Crackers, how exciting, I’ll let you know.  Auntie Be, the one with the dog from Turkey, has sent me a present with lots of numbers on it.  Mum said ‘right Humph, everyday you can open a number and have the treat behind.  When they are all open it will be Christmas’.  I said ‘Mum just put it on the floor and I’ll eat the lot and save all that messing about’  She didn’t seem very pleased with that idea so I’ll play along and open one a day – very strange.  Well I now know what the tartan is for, New Years Eve.  Champagne & canapes, 5 course dinner and live music with dancing until the early hours.  So my furry friends get your tartan out and come and join me, Ruby, Albert, Scrubbs, Bluebell, Bailey, Theo …………………we only have limited space so book your table now, last year was great!  I’m off to check we’re still ‘tasteful’ outside so catch you soon  Humphrey x

A couple came in the other day.  I could see Mum thinking ‘I know them but there is a special reason’.  Well I can tell you!  They were the couple who agreed there is only one Humphrey in this world!  How lovely they came to see me again.  They said I had grown a bit.  I hope they didn’t mean around the middle or Mum will be cutting the food again.  Gillian had the roast beef dinner and said it was the best roast she had every had.  Lucky Gillian, I can only dream.  Steve and Cheryl, they took me on the long walk when they stayed with us, have sent some photos.  My, do I look handsome.  I’ve asked Mum to frame one to put near my bed.  I don’t care if I am a poser, everyone has photos of themselves.  Someone phoned last night and asked if we were the pub where Humphrey lives.  I’m glad they’ve realised that I am the landlord.  They were happy when Mum said yes and booked a table to eat.  I made them very welcome tonight hoping for a titbit – fat chance!  Mum has got new wheels. I loved our old car.  It smelt of me and was full of my toys, towels and general Humph bits and pieces.  I used to sit on the front seat and put my head on Mum’s knee when I wanted a nap.  Well no more!  I’ve never been in prison but Mum has had these bars put across the back seat.  She said ‘Humph, this is your space.  I am having a carpet fitted and you can look out of the back window, it will be lovely for you’  Space, its about 3 feet square and I can hardly turn round!  I’m not happy.  I’d rather have a sidecar on a motorbike, I’ve seen them on the telly.  Maybe she will see sense and sort something out but I’m not holding my breath!  Christmas!  We’re all re-furbished and I must admit the pub looks posh and is really cosy.  I’m not allowed on the furniture but we have a new carpet and it is really comfy.  The decs are going up soon so if you want to join us for Christmas there is loads happening and Chef, the one who gives me the orange things, has done a lovely menu.  Mum and Nicky were talking tartan tonight, so check our website for New Years Eve.  I know that is the tartan thing and we’ve got live music.  What’s live music?  It must be a human thing.  Maybe I can join in…….. See you soon  Humph x

Cheryl and Steve came to stay in our B & B.  I heard them chatting to Mum, they were lovely.  They used to train police dogs so when they asked if they could walk me Mum jumped at the chance.  I could tell she was thinking “dog trainers, a day with them could sort Humph”  Little did she know!  Steve called me Mr H, I quite liked that and might request that title on a permanent basis.  Anyway, they spoilt me rotten.  I was off the lead loads, swimming in the river (don’t tell Mum, she still thinks I can’t swim), went to the Monsal Head for a pint and generally had a good run around, it was brill!  They said they would like to return to Litton, I do hope they come and see me, I won’t forget them in a hurry.  I came back shattered and went upstairs for my snooze when this almighty bang went off outside our window.  Fireworks! who invented them?  I thought, right, I’m going to stand up to this so I went downstairs and barked at them until they shut up.  I did have a sneaky hide under one of the tables but I don’t think I was noticed.  If you haven’t been in we have gone all posh!  New carpet, new seats cushions and lovely clean walls.  I’ve been looking for my sunglasses but then remembered I have eaten them, never mind.  We’ve had some lovely loose cushions, I ate all the old ones as well, isn’t that what ‘black labs’ are supposed to do?  Anyway, I chanced one of the new ones and blimey Mum nearly burst a blood vessel, all the customers were looking at her strangely.  I love the cushions but I love Mum more because she feeds me so I think I will give the cushions a rest, at least for a while.  I’m going to pop downstairs now because Albert has just come in wearing his new designer coat and I want to find out where it came from, maybe I will get one for Christmas.  Come in and see our new pub and if you are thinking Christmas yet, we’ve got a lovely Menu and some beautiful decs going up to welcome you to my (our) cosy pub.  Look forward to seeing you soon and don’t stand on me I will be in front of the fire!

Yours Mr H