Funny Times!

Something has gone wrong with the round thing on the wall with numbers on it.  I know, that every day, Toby comes to take me a walk after school.  So, off I went to the back door on Monday and stood looking down the drive as usual.  I stood and stood but he didn’t arrive.  Eventually Mum found me and said ‘hey Humph, what are you staring at?’  Then she said ‘Oh Humph the clock has changed’.  What does that mean?  My body tells me when I get fed, what time the pub opens, when the long orange things arrive AND when I go for a walk.  Its played havoc with me.  Why do you humans need a round thing on the wall to tell you all that?  You make things so complicated.

Naomi has been busy writing on the blackboard in the bar.  She read it out to me and its all about Christmas and New Years Eve.  Talking of which, no one has invited me to a party yet so I’m starting to think about my favourite TV character so I can sneak into the party here.  I’m practising walking on two legs so you will never recognise me!  Tideswell Singers are coming in singing Christmas Carol’s, Litton Band are having a party here and playing afterwards and Cressbrook Band are coming along too.  Helen runs Cressbrook Band.  She (and others) come in every week after practise for a pint of our lovely beer.  I love Helen, she brings me treats so I sit staring at her all night.  I think she loves me too because she lets me follow her to the loo and outside for a smoke (that’s Helen, not me!)

Stoke.  I heard someone today say that they were from Stoke and read my blog all the time.  How nice is that!  I hope they remembered to put a pin in our map.  I here Guy say ‘I will just stoke the fire’ How strange!

Anyway, my brain has now told my body to adjust and I recon its about Toby time so I’m off to put my outdoor gear on.  Its going dark, does that mean tea will be soon??

Catch you soon

HumphreyHumph x

Would you believe it?

I’ve had a message from South Africa!  Helen, the lovely lady who came just to see me, has got her ‘black lab’ Merlot (I hear the staff offer that to the customers, hope they’re not selling her dog) to send me a message.  He’s got 2 sisters, the funny coloured ones.  They sound real characters, I would have loved to have met them.

Then there’s Barry the Wheaten Terrier.  I like Barry now.  He’s sent me a lovely message.  After much persuasion Mum has agreed to put a ‘Dog’s Dinner Menu’ on and I know Barry will be pleased to see it on his next visit.  He said his Dad loved our real ales and his Mum enjoyed Chef’s lovely food so I think Barry will definitely will be returning – great!

Elmo is on holiday.  He popped in last night.  He’s a smashing ‘black lab’ and works with his Mum.  I realise now that ‘black lab’s’ are everywhere.  isn’t that brilliant?  Elmo does look a bit like me so I had to check where he was from because I thought my Dad had been out and about again.  Dad doesn’t seem to realise its expensive rearing children and just leaves the Mum’s to give them away.  My Auntie (human one) gave Mum a mug.  It says ‘dogs are better that humans because you can sell their babies!’  Charming, well let me tell you this ‘black lab’ is not for sale!  Anyway, I hope Elmo pops in again, we had great fun playing.

‘Christmas won’t be long Humph’ Mum keeps saying.  I asked if that meant loads of paper for me to rip up and she said ‘no Humph, it means we will be doing the Christmas Menu and having people coming in to party’.  New Years Eve we are having a fancy dress party, ‘your favourite TV personality’ with live music and a complimentary supper served late.  Tickets are £5 all for Alzheimer’s Research.  My Grandma (human one) died of this so Mum wants to do a whole year of charity fund raising in memory of her.  Mum says Grandma was not a ‘doggy person’ but when she became ill she loved them, how strange.  I never met Grandma but know my brother, Rupert, chewed her new shoes, brill!  Anyway, New Years Eve I’m packing my hanky on my stick and moving out for a few hours so if anyone wants to doggy party me let me know!  I’ll bring some doggy games and nibbles but all those humans will just be too much!

Off for a snooze now, I’ve had the biggest dish of food and all this brain work makes me tired.

Catch up soon

Humphrey Humph x

I’ve been so busy entertaining!

What a week!  I think we’ve had more dog breeds in here this week than Crufts!  That’s where Mum went and brought back that ‘do not feed collar’!

First there’s Guy.  Guy works behind the bar.  Mum calls him ‘something’ something’ Guy.  She said I can’t type it here because its for humans only, why do humans have to be so different?  Anyway Guy (and Sue his wife) have got two lovely ‘labs’.  They’re a funny colour but Mum said ‘just because you’re a ‘black lab’ Humph, it doesn’t mean they all are’.  Sika is a baby.  She seems to ignore me but stares at Mum when the dog treat box is around.  She’s got an older sister, Brie.  Mum loves Brie, she’s getting on a bit, that’s Brie not Mum.  I think she reminds Mum of Rupert her last ‘black lab’.  Talking of Rupert, Mum says she thinks I have some of Rupert’s spirit in me.  The only spirit I know is those behind the bar and I never get a look in at those!

Holly, a black lab, has been on holiday for the week and popped in most nights.  I think she took a shine to me, and wasn’t bad looking herself if I may say so.  Someone phoned to come for lunch and said they were bringing a visitor from South Africa who wanted to meet me.  (I really lifted my shoulders and combed my head), anyway she came in, I think I heard her name was Helen but I might be wrong.  She’s got not one, but three ‘labs’, only one black one but I forgive her.  Nice photo of them on a beach…………………if only.

Mum invited Helen? to stick a pin on a blue thing on the wall.  Naomi said ‘they are maps Humph’.  We’ve got 2.  One of the world and one of the UK.  When customers come in they are invited to put a pin in where they have come from.  I go past these everyday when I nip out to the garden and let me tell you there are pins all over the place.   People, and their dogs, come from all over the world to our lovely country pub, how good is that?

Before I go and have 5 minutes with Max, he’s a person not a dog, Max used to be the landlord here many years ago, I suppose I must mention Barry!   Barry is a Wheaten Terrier.  He came in with his Mum and Dad.  Oh my, Mum was ‘oh he’s so cute, oh he’s lovely, come and look Humph’.   He was ok!  Not bad looking if you like that kind of thing.  For me its ‘black lab’ first, oh apart from Albert.

Off to compare notes with Max now.  See you soon……..come and try Chef’s specials, the lamb smells amazing!


Sunday is blog day

Mum got the square black thing out so I thought ‘blimey she really doesn’t want me to leave’ so I jumped up beside her and here we go.

I smell beautiful.  Toby ( he’s my new best mate and takes me a walk every afternoon), took me down the dale today.  I love it, there’s loads of rabbits.  In fact, a few weeks ago I ate one!  Toby was really worried, Mum was distraught.   She phoned the vet and she said ‘don’t worry, keep an eye on him and if he starts sweating bring him in’  WHAT was all the fuss about?  I had a lovely full tummy AND how can you tell if a ‘black lab’ is sweating?  Anyway, back to today.  I saw my favourite perfume there in the grass and hey, I had a lovely roll in it – eau de Humph.

We’ve got a new beer, Butcombe’s 42.  Naomi, our beer expert, says it the answer to life, the universe and everything.  I’m not really bothered, its black.  In my eyes anything black belongs to me.  I keep sitting in front of the bar gazing at the pump clip (even my mate Martin has been allowed to drink it), but Mum says ‘Humph, in your dreams’.  There’s no room in my dreams!  They’re full of my food, chef’s treats (the long orange things), the lovely ‘black lab’ that popped in earlier, water in any form and oh ….. rabbits.

I’m nodding off ….zzzzzzz

See you soon


Where do I begin?

I’ve got so much to tell you I don’t know where to start.  Firstly, thank you to all those customers who keep coming in and asking about my blog.  I’ve told Mum if she doesn’t let me do it I am moving out to live with someone else, and I will take my comfy bed, ball, bag of toys, bone, 5kg of carrots (my weekly intake), big bag of food, pigs ears, sardines ………. blimey I didn’t realise just how lucky I am.  Oh and I will be leaving my ‘do not feed’ collar behind!  I know what it says, I have simply worked it out.  Martin (my mate who sometimes takes me a walk) said it read ‘donuts’ he was fibbing.

Anyway, I hope you are all well?  I’m grand.  I am now 2 years and 7 months old.  I weigh 34 kilos.  Mum makes me stand on this square thing at the vets and they all say ‘oh that’s lovely’ It’s only a square box with numbers on it!

I think I have told you about my brother and step brother coming in.  Well, guess what?  I have got another step brother who lives in Glossop.  His name is Jarvis (he can’t sing) and he looks like me.  It seems my Dad has been very busy.  So if I have any more siblings out there, come and see me and we can have a group photo…I’m not sure we will all fit in the pub tho’

I’ve been to Scotland.  I was in heaven.  There is so much water, everywhere.  I swam in the sea, in the lochs, in the puddles and oh the lovely muddy holes in the moors.  I could hear Mum saying, ‘oh no, not again Humph’.  I made a lovely friend ‘Blackie’ on one of the beaches.  He sent me a message last week, how nice.  I wasn’t sure about these things that kept lapping up over my head, but then I thought, no prob, just jump over them – easy.  And, I must just mention, I CAN swim.  I kept it a secret from Mum for a while, a man has to have some secrets.  I just put my head down and away I go.  I thought I saw some of my brothers in the sea but Mum said ‘No Humph they are seals’  I’m sure my Dad has been to Scotland because they looked just like me.

So friends, this is my news for now.  But keep checking because when Mum sees my knotted hankie on the end of a stick she’ll know I mean business

Yours Humph xHumphrey

Coming soon ….

Just to let you know that I will be doing my blog very shortly and intend to do a Sunday update every week. I’ve lost my voice from asking Mum to sort it. She has just let me pop on but its my bedtime and I need to dream of rabbits….I caught one last week but that’s another story. Speak soon. Yours (much older) Humphrey Humphrey